“As long as habit and routine dictate the pattern of living, new dimensions of the soul will not emerge.”
-Henry Van Dyke
Patterns and routines are comforting to humans. It provides us with a sense of order and control. We compartmentalize every little detail of our daily lives whether that is consciously or subconsciously. But sometimes we trap ourselves in that feeling of comfort and miss out on the world around us. Im feelin a bit trapped right now, with a dash of useless bum syndrome. I need to do SOMETHING (of true value) to break the monotony of my daily, post-grad, routine life. Im in another transitional phase and these phases have a way of fuckin with your head… wish me luck.
- steve jobs
As I sit here drinkin my whiskey and coke while trying to write a paper I cant help but wonder where life will take me in the next 5 years or so.
Buzzed and feeling nostalgic I cant help but recollect on all the places Ive been so far:
-All over California: I dont think any other state can compare to California at all. It can be a country in and of itself. So many places to see and do in California and it’s where my heart will always be
-Iowa (and the midwest of the U.S. in general): even tho its mostly farmland, it has its charms with open fields and rolling hills, clear skies, relatively friendly people who would have a conversation with you if you give them the chance. It has other charms but with winter rolling in im more or less bitter about this place. But I can’t imagine who I would be without experiencing this part of America. its weird but I dunno how to describe it.
-Atlanta,GA: I would live here too only because it reminds me of L.A. in some ways. I was here for about two weeks for a volunteer trip
-Nashville, TN: another fun city that I can see myself living in.
-Chicago: pretty chill city, I wouldnt mind living there.
-NYC: overrated, but I guess thats just because I felt claustrophobic most of the time and was pretty broke for most of my time there. still loved it tho
-DC: chiller than NYC in my opinion
-London
-Durham, Scotland and other random places around the UK
-Paris
-Wales, England
-Amsterdam
—Every single new place was a new adventure. New sights, new feelings, and just a sense of unknown that makes me apprehensive and excited at the same time. Of course its not all just good times. Theres a sense of loneliness and nervousness that comes every time when you leave your comfort zone. But thats part of the adventure. It can never just be one feeling or a constant stream of familiarity. I love feeling that with each new day I have to forge a path for myself. I guess thats why I know I can venture out to the unknown and take those risks.
After finishing my time here I in Grinnell, I am eager to take the things that I have learned so far to a new level and to even apply them in ways I never tried before.
Some possible routes after Grinnell:
-JET program: an english teaching program in Japan run by the government. I have always dreamed of going to Japan. I barely know any Japanese, except for stereotypical anime lines haha.
-Peace Corp/AmeriCorp: it just makes sense if I want to keep traveling. Im a little apprehensive about the Peace Corp cuz its a two year commitment but I definitely think I can handle it.
-Teaching abroad programs in: South Africa or Eastern Europe
-Get a MA degree at home in cali: this is probably the last fall back option if all other avenues some how fall through or if I change my mind I guess.
To all my friends, dont be afraid to take risks. Life only happens once, right? We have heard that over and over to the point of cliche. But it is true. We love the comforts of home, but our youth is a fleeting thing, like all things. I am not the best model, of course, and I know that I still have a lot to learn. But dont be afraid of feeling scared or alone, or nervous, or intimidated… cuz when you face those challenges, you find the “you” that has always been there… i dunno if that makes sense but it makes sense to me haha :)
Im starting to realize theres no such thing as true love, or soul mates or whatever. I sound like some teeny bopper but I actually did believe in that on some subconscious level. The idea that there is someone out there who we are destined to love and destined to love you back.
Now I guess I hold onto the idea that theres just people and timing. You can fall in love with pretty much anyone if the circumstances are just right. And in pretty much the same way, you can fall out of love. Some people learn to love someone but at the end of the day that love is a choice, nothing mystical about it. Don t get me wrong, im not bashing on those who believe in the idea that you are destined to end up with someone; I would never take that away from a person. But I use to refuse to believe that it all just boils down to the person and timing. Relationships are worked on, developed, and chosen… are there soul mates? Or is it just the right person at the right time?
I guess for me, what I had needed to learn was that believing in the idea of destined love/soul mates in some way masked the little love I had for myself. Believing that everyone has a soul mate let me bury my own self-esteem issues on some subconscious level because even though I had not taken the time to love myself, its ok cuz my soul mate can do that for me. In my experience, that has been a recipe for disaster and self-destruction.
Don’t get me wrong, everyday I struggle in some way shape or form to view myself and my surroundings positively and to take ownership over the good AND the bad. Its a habit i try to develop and live by and in some ways its a promise to myself. A promise that I would love, first and foremost, me (but not in some narcissistic way lol) which helps me fully love others.
watching a laker game next to a boston fan is tense but hilarious.
excerpts from certain conversations I had:
Boston Fan: man Pierce is so good, he’s not the fastest, the strongest, or whatever, but he is so good at what he does.
—-(pierce gets fouled and falls on his ass)
Boston Fan: see, and he never cries or gives up
Me: Didnt he cry last season when he got fouled, then delayed the game forever, then got carried away by like 5 people while crying, then came back like 5 mins later to lose the game??
Boston fan: yeah, but…
Me: O ok I was just making sure.
——-
Boston fan: Man we would have won that championship if Pertkins wasnt injured.
Me: And if Lamar Odom, or Pau, or Bynum were injured I would have been saying the same thing.
Boston fan: But still, Pertkins would have made a big difference and we would have won.
Me: shoulda, coulda, woulda, but didnt. O look the ring ceremony is about to start shhhhhhhh.
hahahaha BOSTON SUCKS!
